My best friend Mark was a star in high school, shining both on the fields and at classes. Two times he led our soccer team to the championship, and thrice did he fight his way to the first place in badminton competitions, it just seemed to me that he excelled in almost every kind of sports. Instead of just being a brainless jockey, Mark’s grade ranked top five in our class, and he had always been the teachers’ favorite. However, that didn’t seem to affect any of his popularity among the fellow students.
Living under the spotlight and surrounded by his own glamor, Mark wasn’t at all self-centered or proud, but was as modest as ever, and I really enjoyed his accompany. Indeed, we spent most of our time in high school side by side: studying, exercising, dining and sharing our thoughts about almost everything. It never occurred to me that one day we would stop hanging around, and that day didn’t come until the third year of high school.
The third year of high school is full of quizzes and mock tests. Exams filled our schedules and everyday felt like war. Unprecedented pressure landed hard on our backs and many of the students turned to cram schools for help, Mark included. I didn’t blame him for not having spare time to hang out with me, for I was also dealing with the stress. And that’s when he met this girl, Tina, at the cram school, who was sitting right next to him. Just before he knew it, he was madly in love with her. According to his description, they fell in love at first sight, and were craving for more time to snuggle by each other’s side. They started skipping cram school lessons, and sometimes Mark would even ask for a sick leave at school, so he could go find Tina. We were in the third grade of high school for god’s sake and he’s choosing his relationship over the big exam. As his best friend, I had no intention of letting him ruin his future.
I still had clear memory of the day we stopped being friends. It was a wet school day with rain dripping on our heads, and we were assigned to the recycling center for cleaning. After finishing up with the chores, we stood by one’s side and stared into the rain. I started by asking Mark casually about how his relationship with Tina had been, and he answered: great. In addition to “great”, he was hoping to make more time for her, and that’s when I flipped out. I only meant to remind my best friend that he was at high school and the college entrance exam was to be put in the first place, and that he should be more concerned of his own future rather than skipping classes and going on dates. But the next thing I knew, I was already red-necked and yelling. Mark seemed shock by my reaction, for he was wide-eyed and the mouth hanging ajar. He walked into the rain and we hadn’t spoken ever since.
The results of college entrance exam came out, and to everyone’s surprise, Mark failed some of the subjects and got assigned to a remote private college in Pintung. I felt really sad for him, despite what was left between us was a nod when we pass each other on the hallways.
I guess I haven’t been the biggest fan of teen relationships after my friend’s “incident”. And from junior high to high school, the age of 12 to 18, the focus should be put on studying and building better basics for the future. To be honest, nobody is going to care about whom you date and what you play in college, as long as you get into a good one. So why not wait until entering the gate of college, and officially becomes an adult?
Society in Taiwan is forming a trend of: diploma over talent. Nowadays, most enterprises will take the applier’s highest academic degree obtained as their first consideration, followed by oral interviews and other tests. It’s useless if you don’t pass the threshold in the first place, no matter how talented. In this case, the entrance exams couldn’t be more important: good grades mean a guaranteed entry to good high schools, and further on, good colleges, which notions a better chance of jobs and salary in the future. And that’s why I am against relationships at a young age. Dating is equal to distraction at a time when one should be applying all of his/her efforts on studying. However, it appeals to many advocates of teen relationships that relationships at a young age, is somehow a crucial, and inevitable process of children growing up.
It happens to these advocates that the concerns for the teenagers are overshadowing the brighter side of teen dating. Parents should give their kids more freedom, and let them learn about romance and intimacy, in ways that will help them forge solid self-concepts, interpersonal skills and partnerships in their adult lives. They suggest that dating gives adolescents insight into who they are, so they can learn about their own boundaries, such as what feels acceptable and what doesn’t, and what they do and do not like.
They also believe that teen dating is a good way to sharpen the interpersonal skills of adolescents, for romantic relationships could be served as a platform for their ability to compromise, negotiate and share. It will be like an exploration, which matures both the body and mind, as long as it’s in a healthy environment and receiving support from family members. But can we really provide this kind of environment in our society, in Taiwan?
The answer is: only a few. Most parents mean well for their children, however, the competiveness in our society left them no choice other than scolding over preaching, punishing instead of guiding. Every parent wants the best for their kids, to dream big, get a good job and have a great life. The only solution to this is to study hard and get good grades. So I wonder how much support can a parent really provide when it comes to teen relationships, when kids should be preparing for exams instead of drooling over another boy or girl? That’s the reason why we don’t get our hopes up high about a healthy environment for young age relationships, and continual family supports. Without the above positive factors, teen relationships can only go in hiding, and behind the parents’ backs. If a relationship is being carried out secretly instead of in the open, it’s prone to many problems. Thus may result in mistrust, family breakdowns, and many other issues. And there’s also the risks of unplanned pregnancies, sexual diseases, and dating violence to consider.
Let’s take a moment to discuss about the teenagers’ personalities and characteristics. During adolescence, many teens become distant from their families, and slowly drift apart. These rebellious teens start spending most of their time with friends. What we don’t know is that, peer group impacts teenagers almost the same amount as their parents, maybe even more. Teens go to their friends for help and ask questions that they are too shy to ask their parents about. Positive it may seem, if the friends can provide good advices and lend their helping hands; but there’s also the down side when they pressure each other and turn to smoking, drinking and drugs instead. In most cases, the influences coming from the peers are huge: how to dress and act in particular occasions and around certain people. Besides, the sense of identity and security from a group of friends is just what a teenager lacks and needs. And I guess these are the main reasons why teens prefer hanging out with friends rather than their preaching parents.
Now just imagine having an intimate relationship with your other half, among one of those adolescence stages full of hormones and peer influences. Is it really “love” that united the two souls, or just another source to fill the emptiness of security and identity in the heart, just as referred above? If it is the later, the relationship is doomed to fail, with many fights and quarrels on the way to an angry breakup.
Teens are also impulsive and easily distracted, seldom do they think before acting, and most don’t even have opinions of their own. It’s common of them to follow the leader’s order in a group rather than speak up and raise an objection. It’s obvious that the life of teens circles around brotherhood /sisterhood. Friends are always the most important, followed by self needs and desire, leaving the partner in the last place. So how can the teenagers be capable of building a blissful relationship in such terrible conditions?
Teenagers who lack support from the family members can lead to anger and misunderstanding; being unrecognized by friends often results in despair and the breakdown of self-identification; not to mention the negative impact of suffering from a bad break up… The total sum of these influences in relationships can be so mighty that is capable of changing the living ways of these teenagers and their future goals.
However, no one can lose or get rid of his or her family members, nor can they grow up into a healthy adult without the company of friends on the way. And that leaves us to the very last option: love relationships. In this case, it’s recommended not to involve in an intimate relationship with the opposite gender as a teenager. By doing so, we can at least lower the risk of bad influences to the yet immature teens while they are still busily developing the bodies and minds.
I have heard way too many times about “teenagers are mature enough to deal with a serious relationship”, “give these kids some freedom and listen to their choices”. And I’m pretty sure that there are people who are successful life examples of teen relationships. However, it’s just ignorant to not look at those hundreds of thousands of cases which resulted in failure and depression. I will never say it’s not possible for teenage relationships to last forever, but the truth also neglects the fact that every teenage relationship can last forever. Love or being capable of a serious relationship has nothing to do with age. It has to do completely with the couple and their level of commitment towards the relationship they are in. However, in order to find a partner with higher level of commitment, it often indicates to someone with maturity and a better sense of ration, which is both lacked by most of the teenagers. It is also a known fact that during teenage years everyone goes through puberty and begins to change in many ways. They all grow at different rates and this makes us think in different ways. We are also aware that the appearances and how adolescents think can turn a 180-degree within just a few years or months: the hair style, favorite color, clothing fashion and other tastes as well (One day you wake up and look at some of the photos that go a few months back and start despising and judging the old you. “How can one dress like this? What’s wrong with the hair?!”). The same thing goes for intimate relationships, who can be sure that the teenagers won’t suddenly feel disdain about their current other half within a short amount of time, since their taste and how they think are still capable of making an extreme-contrast change?
Stereotyping teenage relationships based on the ones that didn’t work out isn’t wrong, but people shouldn’t be affirmative that all teenage relationships cannot last, for there are many happy couples out there who can prove this theory wrong. However, just by looking at the majority of teenagers and how they perform in relationships, I am still reserved about the benefits of dating so early as an adolescent.
In conclusion, the problem of early dating can be very complicated, which may also affect the happiness and achievement of the future. Since a healthy teen relationship depends hard on both the support from family members, friends and self abilities, which are a combination hard to come by in just one person. I still think that relationships at a young age, and teenage dating shouldn’t be promoted and considered as a positive idea.
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Reference (Source):
E.Kidd. What Is a Healthy Relationship For Teens
Ted Boscia. Teen dating violence leading to long-term harmful effects. Dec, 10, 2012. <http://www.news.cornell.edu/stories/2012/12/teen-dating-violence-linked-long-term-harm>
CC Kinney. Teens teach peers about respect and relationships. Jul, 23, 2013. <http://thesocialissue.com/2013/07/teens-teach-peers-about-respect-and-relationships/>
JWIL9577. Teen relationships. Jun, 3, 2010. <http://youthvoices.net/discussion/teen-relationships>
Carl Pickhardt, Ph.D. When Parents Disagree About Their Adolescent. October 17, 2011. <http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/201110/when-parents-disagree-about-their-adolescent>
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